Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Reviews: Then Turn Back Stupid.

This weeks reviews well be of a series of movies in the subcategory of the slasher genre i call 'family slasher' not that its family safe, more that it usually a family of inbred retarded freaks doing the killing. These movies usually have a group of people going out to back country/Bum fuck nowhere, for no good reason and then they all get slaughter except one or two who happen to win a small victory other then all their friend and family being dead. such movies include Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, and the dreadful Skinned Deep to name a few. But me, i'm going to go with a newer series...

Wrong Turn (2003)
Dir. Rob Schmidt

Now i know a lot of people give 'Wrong Turn' a thumbs down and to them i say "Go fuck yourself!" What the else do you wont from this kind of movie, it a great take on a classic idea given a nice twist and some really nice make up done on those retarded redneck folks. Anyways i'm a fan of this movie (as you could probable tell) Its got some sweet kills, good acting and Eliza Dushku's Boobs in a nice tight tank top and that part in the cabin where they have to silently watch one of the close friends butchered in front of them with out letting the Freaks know their there, classic. The plot is pretty straight forward young man meet up... crashes into five other young people, in backwoods America and have to fight for there lives against Cannibalistic redneck retards. To tell you more then that would be a waste.

4 Barbed wire smile out of 5

Wrong turn 2: Dead End. (2007)
Dir. Joe Lynch

OK, so by definition sequels in horror movies are bad, (Nightmare on elm st. 2 we're looking at you.) so i wasn't really expecting much going in to it... and i didn't get much from it. To be honest i like this movie its just fails in comparison to the first (this series shares a lot with 'Scream' in that way) but what this movie does have.. is Henry Rollins, and that's awesome. So this time there is a reality T.V. show about survival being filmed in the Cannibalistic redneck retards back yard, and their hungry. People die, parts get eaten, redneck retard incest... what more could you want.

3 Fingers out of 5

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)
Dir. Declan O'Brien

When I said that these movies share something in common with the Scream franchise i meant that like the scream franchise as each new sequel come out and is worse the original movie seems to look worse and worse, just like the 'Saw' movies, the first saw is great, but as each watered down sequel came out the First movie got forgot about. Now, After saying that you probably think i'm not going to have anything good to say about this movie and... i don't, again it not that bad its just a worse then part 2 which was worse the part 1. I even kind of like the idea behind this one more then 2, Some hardened criminals should put up a pretty good fight against some stupid rednecks, but they don't. boo-urns.

2.5 razor-wire traps out of 5.

Needless to say i am excited about seeing the 4th installment of the series that i guess is more of a prequel then a sequel, but who cares, i just wont to watch some teenagers die.

Friday, August 8, 2014

News: Awesome new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ltd. Edition

Decided to throw this up here because i think its pretty awesome. Gorgon Video is release a limited edition of Tobe Hooper'S original Texas Chainsaw Massacre for its 40th anniversary.

The set includes:
  • A Leatherface apron
  • Theatrical mini-poster
  • Five audio options
  • Four feature commentaries with the filmmakers and cast
  • Hours of new bonus features, including newly-discovered deleted scenes, featurettes, behind the scenes, and more!
  • + A FREE 2-disc copy of Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive
So all and all its a nice little collection, the Apron and mini-poster are a nice touch. plus you get Eaten Alive so it not bad. the price tag is $99.98 which is steep but its still pretty cool. check it out here:

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Reviews: A Fabulous Feast.

Dir. John Gulager (2005)

Feast is one of those movies that has a lot of expectations put on it and doesn't really pay off in the end, now that's not to say that its a piece of shit like most... it's just that expectations were to high for this one. After all the trouble getting it through Project Greenlight 3 everyone thought that this would turn into the next big thing in horror, it wasn't... but it was still a pretty cool movie. 'Feast' has the classic survivors in a isolated location feel to it, like Night of the living dead only with super fast highly lethal killer rubber suit monsters and in a bar. The movie starts of introducing us to everyone giving us a almost video game bio of everyone and letting us know what there "strengths" are and what their odds of surviving are. also this movie has a true no one is safe feel (The first hero dies and a child dies in this one... but wait for part 2) that fallows through the rest of the films. What else can i say about 'Feast' other then it has the feel of a old drive-in movie that's just to fun and gory to forget.

3.5/ 5

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds
Dir. John Gulager (2008)

What John Gulager did to make 'Feast 1' fast and fun can start to be seen missing in 'Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds'. Yep Sloppy Seconds, that's what they called it. . . Anyways lets see After our few survivors escape the bar and make their way to the closest town, that just so happens to be over run with... you guessed it the same monsters. Shit. alright so more crazy deaths happen and some boobs are shown, there's a longer then it has to be dissection of one of the monsters that just seems to be added for a very long fart joke. This movie falls for the tree of the first movie but not that far, it still good for a laugh and has some great gory gags in it... and a biker chick made tit-girl, and then there's the baby death. Now it hard to believe but they stepped up the no one is safe feel from the first movie by killing a baby (I wonder how Ben and Matt feel about putting the first movie through project greenlight now?) anyways this is the moment where the movie losses half its audience, and i'm talking so hardcore horror movie fan just say... " that's to much" now i'm not going to say weather it stepped over a line or not, but really sometimes we have to agree not every baby is going to live through a Apocalypse.


Feast 3: The Happy Finish.
Dir. John Gulager (2009)

Really, you called your second movie sloppy seconds then when you have the chance to go for another "great" title like i don't know, The happy ending, you fuck it up and call your movie 'The Happy Finish' what the fuck... although it does help you to understand what the hell happened with this movie. Ok so say 'Feast' was made for horror fans then the 2nd would have been made for stoners... that would mean that the third was made for people with brain damage that causes them to forget whats going on every ten minutes. This movie is pretty bad considering they had such a strong start, but they just run through ideas like a... I don't know like what but lets just say to much is going on. They add new characters just to have someone to kill off and have some guy who turns out to be a Ninja... he dies. lots of things happen but none of it had to... thats all i have to say about that. OH yes... also more boobs.


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Reviews: Divine Occults.

The Wicker Man (1973)
Dir. Robin Hardy

I figured if i was going to do occult themed movies i should start with the best 'The Wicket Man' and no not that horrible remake with Nick Cage in it. I'm talking about the one that was filmed in a time when the movie feel like it fits. OK so the movie centers around a "too good for his own good" and overly catholic Police Sargent who has come to very isolated, very non catholic island of Summerisle to locate a missing female child, but what he really gets is the greatest mind fuck of all time. He gets swept up in all the open fornicating and pagan rituals that the locals seem to love taking part in, and believes that the young girl is to be sacrificed to appease the gods and Bring on a great harvest in the next year... Could he not be more wrong. 'The Wicker Man' has a great sense of dread though out the whole movie, leaving you guessing as to what is really going on in this little town, and the ending is one of the greatest twist out there.


The Shrine (2010)
Dir. Jon Knautz

Now lets jump ahead a few years. 'The Shrine' me by complete surprise, from reading the netfilx synapses i thought it sounded like a decent idea but it turned out to be better then i had thought. We fallow 3 young journalist investigating some disappearances that have happened around a remote village in Poland. When they first get there the locals are anything but and Our group of three notice a strange amount of smoke coming out of the woods in the distance. After they watch some rather weird happenings at the local church they decide to investigate said smoke and get chased of by more unfriendly locals. Its at this time one girl decides they need to know whats up with the smoke and they go investigate. Now, here's where i see a problem, [SPOILERS] If you live in a isolated town know for its disappearances, with a crazy dark ring off smoke that you constantly have to chase people away from because... oh i don't know you may have a demon statue that posses people that see it... you may want to build a fence around it. Anyways, shit goes crazy, someone gets a mask hammered on to her face, a family gets disemboweled and some crazy priest save the day... kind off.


Kill List (2011)
Dir. Ben Wheatley

Alright, I'm Sorry. Just for including this movie in a section entitled Divine Occults spoils a huge part off this movie and if your reading this before you've seen the movie then i fucked it for you... but anyways, this movie is good... i think. What i mean to say is i like this movie. Don't I? I'm really not sure. its slow paced, its story is barely coherent at times, and some of the English accents are so thick they are almost not understandable, But the pay off at the end is so good maybe i'm willing to over look the first 75 minutes because of the last 20. Not that the first off the movie is bad it just always had me waiting for something to happen... until something finally did happen.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Reviews: Killer Kid Movies.

The Children (2008)
Dir. Tom Shankland

As i said in the Top 5 Christmas segment The children from 'The Children' are the creepiest to date. Think about sitting at your family Christmas get together and not knowing if that little shit sitting across from you is thinking about cutting your throat, or breaking your leg on some monkey bars... Ouch. Anyways this movie is great, i love the fact that your guessing all the way through weather one kid is crazy or not. the gore is lite but still top notch and the acting is great. That i think my be the selling point, child actors for one must be a pain to deal with and to have this many kids pull of so much cool shit is great.


The Omen (1976)
Dir. Richard Donner

Man, if you found out that your son was the son of the devil, why would you wont to kill him. Your on easy street stupid. Set back and wait for your son to take over and give you a sweet job like... Supreme ruler of Canada or something to that effect. but anyways that's enough daydreaming, Damian is one crazy little shit factory. This kid doesn't kill you he get you to kill yourself, or makes the world around you kill you as in the great beheading scene with the plate of glass that removes David Warner's head from his body. this kids is pure awesome evil.


The Village of the Damned (1960)
Dir. Wolf Rilla

to me this movie and 'Bad Seed' really are to blame for the killer kid category of the horror genre, and as it sit its still one of the best. These kids are creepy. After a entire town passes out from unknown reasons every a lady not capable of carrying a child is now pregers and all give birth to weird white haired devil spawn. years later the kids are capable of controlling people to do horrible things. The stories dated by the black and white but its heads and tails better then the John Carpenter 1995 remake that wouldn't have sucked so bad if Christopher Reeves and Kristie Alley could have stopped eating up the scenes when ever they could.


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Reviews: Cannibalistic Humanoid Blah Blah Blah.

Dir. Douglas Cheek

C.H.U.D. is one of those movies that hardcore genre fans will stick up for and say that it has more redeeming qualities then it really does. I'm not one of them. O.K. for a good laugh or made a party night with some friends this movies fine, but its just to ridicules to try and look at as anything as a parody of classic 50's and 60's monster movies. Maybe that's what it is and I'm trying to make more out of it, but i've had to many people try and tell me that this movie is great. For a b-movie its what it should be, Fun and dumb.

The Descent
Dir. Neil Marshall

There's a argument that horror movies are sexist against women, and I well agree that some are, but Neil Marshall's the decent would not be one of them. This mostly all female cast pulls out probably the best horror movie of 2005. When a group of female thrill seekers goes on a spelunking expedition it turns out to be more then just tight spaces and the dark they have to worry about when weird humanoid nocturnal creatures start killing them one by one. It really is a great movie with very claustrophobic moments and second takes where your asking yourself if you just saw what you think you saw.

The Burrowers
 Dir. J.T. Petty

Period movies are hard to pull off in the horror genre, but lately there have been some really stand out movies, and this is one of them. O.K. So the creatures in this film aren't quit humanoid, but they are creepy as fuck. After a family vanishes from their homestead a group of brawny cowboy types head out to find them, but what at first look like a simple case of cowboys vs. Indians soon takes a turn for the worse when something under the ground starts killing all those around. This movies pretty well done, it has a tight cast good monster effect and a solid story, if you haven't seen it diffidently give it a try.